Ladies, If He Does ANY of These Things… RUN! 3 Major Red Flags When Searching for a Husband

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An Islamic Perspective on Protecting Your Heart and Future

Finding the right husband who will help you grow in your deen and dunya is one of life’s most important decisions. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: “When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks to marry your daughter, comply with his request. If you do not do so, there will be corruption and great evil on earth.” This hadith emphasises the importance of character when selecting a spouse.

But sometimes red flags can be hard to spot, how do you know what to look out for? While we all have flaws, certain behaviors reveal problematic patterns that can indicate there is something deeper going on.

1. He Limits Your Family Involvement

In Islam, a relationship is never just between two individuals—it’s between two families. If your future husband is reluctant about involving your family members in the getting-to-know you process, especially your brother or other male relatives, this should raise alarm bells. This behavior contradicts Islamic etiquette of courtship, which emphasises transparency and family involvement.

Why This Is Problematic:

• It may indicate hidden intentions. A man with pure intentions should welcome the presence of your mahram (male guardian) as this creates a halal environment for getting acquainted.
• It suggests disregard for Islamic boundaries. The presence of family members helps maintain appropriate Islamic boundaries during the courting stage.
• It could reflect future controlling behavior. A man who tries to separate you from your family during courtship may continue this pattern after marriage.
• It prevents proper assessment. Your family can often detect character flaws or incompatibilities that you might miss if you already really like the guy, they can view him with objectivity.

Remember the words of Allah in the Quran: “O you who believe! Be mindful of Allah and be with those who are truthful.” (Quran 9:119). A man who seeks privacy away from your family may not be among the truthful.

Sheikh Abdul Rahman Al-Sudais explains: “Family involvement in the marriage process is not merely cultural but a protective measure established in Islamic tradition to safeguard the interests of both parties.”

2. Inconsistent Behavior Suggests Divided Attention

Hot and cold behavior is always a major red flag, if a man wants to pursue you his behaviour will be very consistent. When a man’s interest fluctuates—he’s attentive one day and distant the next—this inconsistency reveals important character traits that could affect your future happiness.

Signs of Inconsistent Behavior:

• Unpredictable communication patterns: He’s responsive for days, then disappears without explanation.
• Changing enthusiasm levels: His excitement about marriage varies dramatically from one meeting to the next.
• Irregular follow-up: Long gaps between conversations with no valid reason.
• Mixed signals: His words express interest, but his actions show hesitation.

What This Likely Means:

• He may be pursuing multiple women simultaneously without the transparency required in Islam.
• He lacks emotional maturity necessary for a committed marriage.
• He might be uncertain about marriage but isn’t honest enough to express this.
• He could be hiding aspects of his life that occupy his attention when he’s “cold.”

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ was known for his consistency in character. As Aisha (RA) described his character as “the Quran walking on earth”—meaning his behavior consistently reflected Islamic values. This consistency is what we should seek in a spouse.

3. Words Without Action Reveal Fundamental Character Flaws

A man’s word is his bond. If he cannot honor small commitments during courtship, how will he honor the significant commitment of marriage? When a potential husband constantly makes plans but cancels them, speaks of intentions without following through, or attempts to limit your social connections, these behaviors reveal concerning character traits.

Warning Signs to Watch For:

• Frequently canceling or rescheduling meetings without legitimate reasons.
• Making grand promises about the future without taking concrete steps in the present.
• Expressing disapproval of your friendships or attempting to isolate you from your support network.
• Talking extensively about marriage but stalling when it comes to involving families or taking formal steps.
• Requesting extensive time in conversation but being unavailable when it’s time to meet in person with proper chaperones.

These behaviors directly contradict Islamic teachings on truthfulness and keeping promises. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: “The signs of a hypocrite are three: when he speaks, he lies; when he promises, he breaks his promise; and when he is entrusted with something, he betrays the trust.” (Bukhari and Muslim)

The Islamic Standard for a Good Husband

Allah describes righteous men in the Quran as “Men who remember Allah often and women who remember Allah often, Allah has prepared for them forgiveness and a great reward.” (Quran 33:35)

A good potential husband according to Islamic principles:

• Values family connections and wants to build relationships with your family
• Demonstrates consistency in behavior and communication
• Follows through on promises, no matter how small
• Respects boundaries established by Islamic teachings
• Supports your wholesome friendships and community involvement
• Shows emotional maturity and readiness for responsibility
• Places importance on religious values over superficial qualities

Conclusion: Value Yourself and Your Deen

Remember, marriage in Islam is described as ‘half of your deen’ because of its profound impact on your religious practice and worldly happiness. Don’t compromise on these fundamental character indicators out of fear or impatience.

As Allah reminds us in the Quran: “And among His signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts.” (Quran 30:21)

This tranquility, love, and mercy cannot flourish with someone who exhibits any of these red flag behaviours. Trust in Allah’s timing and plan for you, and remember that it is better to wait for a righteous spouse than to rush into a relationship with someone who shows these red flags.