Why “The Spark” Is Overrated

“There wasn’t a spark.”

It’s one of the reasons people decide not to take things further when looking for a potential spouse. We often expect an instant spark when looking to get married, even when we share the same values and the conversation flows naturally. But when that feeling isn’t there straight away, we assume something is missing and choose to walk away.

How Important Is a Spark When Looking to Get Married?

We’re living in a world shaped by over-romanticisation and social media, where we’ve come to believe that finding the person you want to marry should begin with a spark. But can we really attribute something as subjective as a spark to the things that actually matter, like compatibility? Is this the standard we should be setting for ourselves?

When we speak about finding a spouse in Islam, the emphasis isn’t on someone who gives you an emotional high. Rather, we’re encouraged to look at faith, character, and compatibility. The Prophet ﷺ said:

“When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with comes to you, then marry them.”

These qualities aren’t always the most clear during your first interactions. You begin to see them through the way someone speaks, how they treat their family, how they handle disagreements, and how they carry themselves. All of these aspects paint a much clearer picture of someone’s character.

One thing to remember when looking to get married is that an instant spark is a feeling, whereas compatibility is a consistent pattern. A spark can disappear just as quickly as it appears.

Instead, ask yourself:

• Do we approach life in similar ways?
• Can we have difficult conversations with respect?
• Do we encourage one another to become better Muslims?
• Is our approach to marriage aligned?
• Do we bring out the best in each other?

These are just a few questions that open a window into whether you’re truly compatible.

Marriage in the Qur’an is described as a source of sakinah (tranquillity):

“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy.”

(Qur’an 30:21)

Three words stand out: tranquillity, affection, and mercy.

These are qualities that are built over time. They aren’t founded on fleeting emotions, but on trust, consistency, and shared commitment.

Sometimes we dismiss someone simply because the conversation didn’t evoke intense emotions. But that’s exactly the point. When you’re considering someone for marriage, it should feel steady rather than overwhelming. You should feel heard, respected, and at ease. That sense of peace is invaluable.

When you’re getting to know someone for marriage, ask yourself:

• Did I feel respected?
• Do our values align?
• Could we navigate challenges together?
• Would this person help me grow closer to Allah?

These questions shift your focus from chasing a momentary feeling to considering the future you’re trying to build.

The lesson we should take is giving someone a genuine chance doesn’t mean ignoring your instincts. It means recognising that not everything worth building happens instantly. The goal of marriage was never to chase a feeling that lasts a few moments. It’s to find someone with whom you can build a life rooted in faith, mercy, patience, and peace.