relationships
8 Red Flags ⛳ He’s Not Serious About Marriage ❌
August 28, 2019
There’s a reason why the saying, ‘you have to kiss* a hundred frogs to find your prince‘ is as old as time. Apps haven’t changed anything. Sorry. Finding the one is like finding a needle in a digital haystack, but here’s a guide to help you cut through the bullsh*t and F-boys.
*please note this is a metaphor – it’s haram to kiss frogs.
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1 – He asks for your phone number straight away.
Of course, at some point you’ll want to eventually progress to voice/video calls to get to know each other more before you first meet. However – if you just matched with him and he asks for your number right after ‘hey‘ or ‘how are you?’ – this is a RED FLAG. Usually guys who want to get your digits asap, want to get something else asap too.
You wouldn’t give your number to a stranger in the ‘real world’, why would you on an app?
2 – He will text/call you late at night.
Another boundary violation! I once had a guy call me (yes I didn’t follow above rule) at 11pm – I declined and texted him ‘it’s too late to contact me.‘ He said I was a ‘crazy b*tch’ and blocked me. Why, thank you.
If you ever receive a text/call when its your bedtime (e.g. ‘hey’) – this is a straight-up booty-call. A pathetic way of asking for sexual activity. Do not have wishful thinking about this. Sisters, you are more than a play thing! You deserve better than this. You are worthy of respect and honour.
3 -Put Downs Disguised as Sarcastic Demeaning ‘Banter’
Sometimes not being able to take a ‘joke’ is okay – especially if you’re the butt of it. There’s a weird dance in dating that some people play – whereby the female acts like they’re not interested, but they are, but don’t show it, but deep down they’re a softy and love the romantic cheesy stuff (but won’t ever admit it). However, the guy is usually just an arsehole and likes being mean, by poking fun at you, but we mistakenly misinterpret his ‘jokes’ as playful and endearing. RED FLAG. If you find yourself engaging in banter with someone who seems too cool for dating, is a ‘complex’ person you can’t figure out – tap him away. No one has time for games. There’s no shame in finding someone to marry – Muzz is a marriage app after all. Stop being coy. Don’t try to win him over, let him win you over.
4 – Vulnerable F-Boys
Now this sub-specie of F-boy is dangerous. Be warned – they’re easy to fall for because they exploit good-natured people by always playing the victim-card. This guy might come across as shy and has some sob story about how he was always unlucky in life, his parents got divorced, he was never hugged as a baby – blah blah blah. This guy is always feeling sorry for himself (we all have problems but don’t go around telling strangers). By confiding his problems in you, you naively think ‘he must really like me for him to open up with me’ – WRONG. He will seduce women because he’s ‘troubled’ and he’ll feign interest about wanting intimacy, but once he gets what he wants from you (be it attention, gifts, haram stuff), he starts managing down expectations and distancing himself away because he’s ‘scared of getting hurt’. This guy thinks he gets a free-pass to mistreat you because he doesn’t know better. Nothing is ever this F-boy’s fault, he is always the victim and is just so ‘misunderstood’.
Exposing your troubles and difficulties in life should come after you’ve gained trust not before. Don’t try to be a fixer.
5 – “I’m not looking for anything serious.”
Now, this should be pretty self-explanatory. If the guy says this – unmatch. This is a conniving move because saying this traps you into sounding crazy if you don’t agree. Don’t entertain this conversation for a second or fool yourself into thinking you’re not looking for anything serious either. You are, you are just afraid to admit it, which is exactly what they are exploiting.
6 – He doesn’t know how to listen to you
I once went on a date with this Muslim doctor and he spent the whole time talking about himself. At first, I thought, maybe he’s just a nervous talker. But then he started being arrogant and boastful. When I finally got a chance to speak, not much interest was taken – he just nodded and kept talking about himself some more.
At this point, you have to stop and think – do you want this in a partner or do you want to find a man who will talk to you in a considerate and respectful way? Who takes interest in you? Because if he ain’t from the get-go then it’s downhill from there.
7 – “My ex was crazy.”
When a bro tells you his ex is crazy, you have to think ‘what did he do to make her go crazy?’. If your potential suitor has a past and isn’t respectful about it, be weary. There’s always two sides to a story. But more than likely, if a bro is telling you how crazy his ex is, he’s trying to make sure you know that he took no responsibility for how the relationship ended, even if it was totally his fault.
8 – The Religious F-Boy
I saved the best for last. Don’t let the ‘oh masha’Allah sister’ brother fool you. This sneaky person is the very definition of a hypocrite – take Prophet Muhammad’s (SAW) advice: “Among the signs of a hypocrite are three, even if he fasts and prays and claims to be a Muslim: when he speaks he lies, when he gives a promise he breaks it, and when he is trusted he betrays.” (Sahih al-Bukhari 33).
This is a tricky guy to spot because he seems pious – but does shady things. Things that don’t quite add up. Does he boast about being humble? Does he say he prays 5 times a day but secretly drinks alcohol? Does he act one way with you, but is unrecognisable in other settings? Does he keep you a secret? Listen to your gut instinct and don’t overlook any signs of inconsistency.
Written by Zahra Zereskh
