3 Red Flags in Women: What Muslim Men Should Know Before Marriage

Too many men are falling for the wrong women because they don’t know what the red flags to spot early on are, we’re here to help stop you from getting played!

Even though religious commitment is important, practical compatibility matters too. This article shares the three red flags that Muslim men should look out for.

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Red Flag #1: She Doesn’t Have a Life Outside of You

In Islam marriage is a union of two complete individuals who complement each other, not two incomplete halves searching for wholeness. The Quran describes spouses as “garments” for one another (2:187)—distinct entities that provide protection, comfort, and beauty.

A woman without interests, pursuits, and relationships outside the marriage often exhibits:

• Over-dependence: Creating an unhealthy emotional burden on her husband, she expects you to be 100% of her life and when you are busy she doesn’t have anything else to fill her time. It can create an unhealthy pattern of co-dependence and one where she expects more from you, than one person can give
• Identity void: If she has no friends, no interests, no hobbies, no job, her only identity will be being your wife. This can cause a multitude of issues, if you are her entire life then any independence you may want will shatter her, or any small issues your marriage might face can become huge and blown up because they are the only dimension in her life
• Unhealthy attachment: Potentially bordering on emotional shirk (associating partners with Allah in fulfilling needs), if you are the only person bringing any fulfillment to her life she may begin to idolise you in a way that only Allah should be.

The Prophetic Example

The women of the Quran’s existence didn’t revolve around husbands, or finding them. The women around the Prophet (pbuh) maintained rich, multifaceted lives:

• Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her): Pursued knowledge, taught others, and participated in community affairs
• Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her): Managed business interests and maintained social connections
• Umm Salamah (may Allah be pleased with her): Raised children and offered wise counsel to the community

Red Flag #2: She Is Always Cancelling Last Minute

During the courting period when you are trying to find out if you will be compatible for marriage, pay attention to how reliable she is. Sure, sometimes things come up, but if she is always cancelling last minute it can be a red flag as it shows:

• Disregard for commitments: she doesn’t take her word seriously, if she can’t even keep a commitment to a plan how can you expect her to commit to bigger responsibilities?
• Questionable priorities: when someone is a priority you make time, if she is constantly running out of time to see you then you simply aren’t important enough for her to cancel on someone else
• She might be playing the field: constant cancellations can also be an indicator that she is juggling multiple matches, and you may not be the front-runner

Trustworthiness (amanah) and commitment to promises are fundamental Islamic values. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “The signs of a hypocrite are three: when he speaks, he lies; when he makes a promise, he breaks it; and when he is trusted, he betrays the trust.” (Bukhari and Muslim)

Red Flag #3: She Doesn’t Share Your Long-Term Values

The Quran emphasises compatibility: “Corrupt women are for corrupt men, and corrupt men for corrupt women. Good women are for good men, and good men for good women.” (24:26)

While this verse primarily addresses moral and religious compatibility, practical alignment on life values creates the foundation for implementing shared faith principles and a happy, long-lasting marriage. These are some examples of areas in which you should share the same values:

Understanding of Gender Roles

Islam outlines general principles regarding family leadership and responsibilities, but how these manifest varies widely. Crucial questions include:

• Does she understand and accept the concept of qiwamah (male guardianship) while recognizing its proper, balanced implementation?
• Does she value the complementary nature of spousal roles?
• Are her expectations about domestic responsibilities compatible with yours?

Views on Children and Family Planning

The Prophet (peace be upon him) encouraged marrying women who are loving and fertile. Consider:

• Does she share your desire for children?
• Do you align on approaches to Islamic parenting?
• Are your timelines for family planning compatible?
• Do you agree on the number of children you hope to have?

Career and Financial Values

Islam respects a woman’s right to work while prioritising family wellbeing, however some women might be super career-driven, while others won’t want to work at all. Make sure you’re aligned on:

• How she wants to balance career ambitions with family priorities?
• Do her financial values align with Islamic principles?
• Are her expectations about lifestyle and material comfort compatible with what you can provide?

Religious Practice and Growth

Beyond basic religious commitment, consider:

• Do you share the same madhab (school of thought) or can you respect differences?
• Do you align on religious priorities for your home and family?
• Do you have compatible views on religious education for children?

The Danger of Compromise on Core Values

Many men make the mistake of believing:

• That differences in fundamental values are minor
• That they can sway a woman into changing her position on certain topics after marriage; not only is this unlikely to happen but it is unfair on the woman to put this type of pressure of her if her views/position are clear
• That love will make incompatibilities irrelevant; love can carry your marriage through smaller issues you may face but not fundamental differences

Islamic wisdom teaches us that these assumptions often lead to significant problems within a marriage, it is so important to make sure you’re aligned before getting married.

Is it a red flag or am I being judgemental?

While it is important to look out for red flags, it is also important to use discernment and understand that situations are nuanced. Some things aren’t black and white so make sure you have the full scope of a situation and don’t blindy apply any advice you see online.