A guide for those serious about marriage: Part 1
August 8, 2022
A muzmatch member has kindly written a guide on finding a spouse based upon their own experiences, to help other members out! They have asked us to share it anonymously
السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ
In the name of Allah, Most Merciful, Dispenser of Mercy.
"And we created you in pairs” (Quran 7:88)
My dear honourable readers, may Allah (SWT) bless you all abundantly and grant you utmost peace and comfort whilst reading, scanning or browsing and make you amongst the best of His servants. All Praises to Allah (SWT), for new beginnings, most deserving of praises with every heartbeat.
May this online journey be truly blessed, an opportunity for someone to respectfully show a genuine and sincere interest towards you.
Marriage is a religious duty; a form of ‘Ibadah’. It is a moral safeguard, as it serves an emotional need and allows sexual gratification. It is a social necessity. Just like we hasten in our prayers at the time prescribed, we should be keen on performing our ‘Nikah’ once we have found ‘The One’
Now comes reality, if you’re in the UK, you’re in total lockdown probably until April 2021. I can’t even congregate outside the front door to say hello to my neighbours. Confined to my personal space, on my sofa, in my home, with Wi-Fi.
Considering the consequences, how do I find my potential partner whilst he/she is wearing a mask in a supermarket? Restaurants, coffee shops, gyms, other social events/venues including weddings are now restricted, postponed or closed until further notice! It seems with technology advancing there is a need for future generations to adapt to changes with guidance and fun, hence my guide.
The next six months of lockdown will be extremely important leading up to Ramadan 2021. If we are to reflect upon Sahaba’s lifestyle, they would ask The Almighty six months before Ramadan that they could reach Ramadhan and six months after to accept their Ramadan. Hence, whilst looking for the potential candidate, how will you pre-occupy your mind to keep focus without any social interaction in isolation? There were many tested before us in seclusion; Prophets and pious people. In solitude they prospered by improving upon themselves and connecting to The Almighty.
Here are some steps to get your on the right track for searching for that future someone
What are “YOU” looking for in a partner? I would recommend you to write down a list in terms of priority. Be realistic, practical and reasonable (qualities in a person enhances the marriage more than money):
Piety - religion should be a priority, together with status, beauty, wealth.
Status - a respectable family, just look at the parents to learn about the person (son/daughter).
Beauty - let your heart scintillate each time you see your partner (don’t marry just for looks).
Wealth - be reasonable “live within your means” (we will be questioned for every atom’s worth in the hereafter).
Revive a Sunnah - marry a divorcee or a widow.
Features - Height, build, weight, colour of eyes, skin tone, voice [Allah has fashioned everyone differently, to compliment each other and not criticise].
Good morals and values - loving, respectful, understanding, mature.
Character traits - kindness, sincerity, patience, sense of humour, positivity.
Educated - don’t necessarily need to have a degree or a PhD.
Living locally - in the same town or neighbouring city (for practical reasons).
Start your search with the right intentions:
Always begin by:
Ask for protection from the evil eye.
Ask for forgiveness before starting, to safeguard from all kinds of fitnah.
Pray and connect to (Allah) first by doing zikr, before checking your Wi-Fi signal.
Don’t spend more than an hour a day, if possible, to avoid addiction and delaying prayers.
Step 1: Create a profile, describe yourself as your dearest friend would describe you, with an added twist of humour as your siblings and family members would portray you. muzmatch offers options to blur your picture.
This profile is to help you find a wonderful, lifetime partner; who will love you for who you truly are, hence be yourself, include hobbies and activities. Avoid clichés, a long tick list and don’t be too picky. Remember to be positive and cheerful. Don’t include too much information, leave some to discover later.
Remember it’s not a movie audition for an actor/actress.
Step 2: Browse without getting dizzy from swipe fatigue. Matching nearest to your liking, whilst keeping in mind all 4 traits as per our Beloved Prophet (SAW) or 3 out of 4 is good enough. Filter out anyone that doesn’t match your criteria. Don’t discount someone that doesn’t tick all of your criteria but fulfils most.
Step 3: Found a respectful match? Initiate a warmth response, not just a Hi.
Salaams and praises to Allah (SWT) for granting an opportunity.
Mention something that intrigued you from his/her profile.
Introduce yourself briefly ... A little about your character.
End with ... Salaams and a question that requires their response.
Develop a two-way communication. Be realistic. There may be times when you need to initiate a message first and don’t wait for the other person. If one hasn’t replied then give the other time to correspond. We don’t know of their circumstances at this very early stage. Once you have established a genuine connection within a week or two of texting via the app, move to the next stage.
When you’re both at ease, it may seem right to move forward and to have a phone call about serious matters. Now, this is where it’s make or break as you will be hearing their voice for the first time. You need to decide if they have a comforting voice, that you can endure for a lifetime.
Tap here for the second part, where we discuss what questions you should ask to get to know someone for marriage!!
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