Questions to ask potentials: A guide to marriage Part 2
August 8, 2022
This is part 2 of a muzmatch members guide on how to find someone using muzmatch, based on his own experiences. For part 1 tap here
Getting to know someone is the most important part of the process, there are certain questions you can ask to help you gauge into someone’s personality. Lets split these into stages:
Stage 1 – Personality and Character
To help identify a person’s nature at an early stage.
Stage 2 – Family, friends and lifestyle including work
Introduction to his/her environment.
Stage 3 – Essence of Marriage & Islam
Evaluate their agenda for ‘Nikah’
Now, if you’re on a phone call and you’re sharing a household with many other family members to avoid being disturbed:
Go to a quiet room (maybe an attic)- a garage (or outhouse/shed) may be suitable.
Make wudu and pray for guidance (Istikhara) before you begin. Take water with you and ensure your mobile is fully charged. Whilst asking questions, some tips:
Begin and end with Salaams.
Ask if he/she has had something to eat.
Be an attentive listener.
Be honest, even if it’s controversial.
Let the conversations flow naturally.
Take a pen, paper and write to ask at the end.
Usually from the answers, tone and mannerism, you may be able to decipher whether you wish to continue further. Be respectful if saying no, as this person will wish to continue their search too.
Whilst conversing, please be aware that we are all humans and learn to recognise each other’s genuine mistakes and apologise. Unacceptable behaviour and abuse should not be tolerated as it could be detrimental later in a marriage.
Being unable to determine their body language whilst not being in the same room, an offensive tone may be an early warning. Hurtful words can be a red flag of one or more of below (un-Islamic behaviour):
Fraudulent online scams - asking to transfer money into their account whilst living/travelling abroad (make sure to say NO to this)
Showing extreme controlling nature from the onset and very persuasive against your will.
Constant abusive language and anger towards you without any reasonable excuse.
Criminal conviction (physical violence/robbery/fraud), the information found online.
Addiction to drugs, drinking and gambling.
The photo doesn’t match with their name (Catfishing), Google reverse image search or TinEye (if this does happen, make sure to report them to the muzmatch community team to avoid any harm coming to other members too).
Inappropriate demands of photos.
You should block them and report their username to the community team ([email protected]) with reasonable evidence (including screenshots). muzmatch offers chaperone/moderator’s presence in all your conversations. May the Almighty safeguard from all kinds of fitnah. Hence, why we pray for guidance and protection always.
Now, onto the questions...
Stage 1 Personality and Character:
Describe yourself; if I was going to meet you for the first time, how would I recognise you?
Greatest achievement to date?
Have you done voluntary work?
How do you spend your free time?
What is the hardest obstacle you have faced in your life?
When things don’t go as you plan how do you react?
What do you do to relax; sports, hobbies, interests?
What is your biggest fear?
Do you have any loans or debts that you owe to anyone?
Do you celebrate birthdays or attend Christmas parties etc?
Have you ever taken any drugs, drink or gambled ... any convictions?
What makes you lose your temper and do you use inappropriate language?
Remember you will spend the rest of your life with this person. Does he/she have a personality that compliments you and vice versa? If all the answers above are positive, then move to 2nd Stage…
Stage 2: FAMILY, FRIENDS & LIFESTYLE, INCLUDING WORK
How many siblings do you have ... and are they married (children)?
What is your relationship with your family and the wider community?
Your job description and where do you work?
Do you bring work home and does it dictate your lifestyle?
How often do you spend time with your friends?
Do you have friends of the opposite gender?
You want him/her to be the closest friend you’ve ever had, to bring the best out in you and vice versa and not to be treading on eggshells all the time! If all the answers above are positive, then move to the 3rd Stage.
Stage 3: ESSENCE OF MARRIAGE & ISLAM
Describe the three most important requirements of your potential partner
Reasons for choosing me as your potential spouse?
Previous relationships or marriage and any children?
What role does Islam play in your life?
What is your concept of marriage and what are your expectations?
How will you help us spiritually to improve ourselves in a marriage?
Describe financial responsibility in a marriage, managing a family home.
Describe your role as a husband/wife.
How do you anticipate spending time with your future in-laws?
Would you live with the in-laws if the need arises, short term/long term?
If there’s a disagreement in a marriage, how would you assist in resolving?
Do you have any underlying health conditions that may affect the marriage? Allergies and illnesses?
Always strive to please Allah (SWT) If you’re satisfied with all of the answers above, I would recommend you seek guidance from your local Imam, or someone knowledgeable, before making arrangements to meet in person
Online platforms seem to be appropriate for many things with the current situation. A brief video call may be necessary, to verify the person’s identity, which is a feature on muzmatch.
May Allah (SWT) help those brothers and sisters who are looking to get married. May He reward their good intentions.
“They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them” (Quran 2:187)
I would like to take this opporunity to thank all the readers in taking their precious time in reading this article. Please forgive me for any mistakes in my writing. I pray you and your family are always protected from any illnesses and evil. Give us all the guidance to understand each other and unite upon justice. Ameen
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