Body Shaming and Online Dating

Because we’re being told—implicitly or explicitly— that we are not enough. We’re not good enough, thin enough, or attractive enough; that our skin does not look young or light enough. We are always broken, blemished, or scarred, and we need fixing. There is always a new standard or method for enhancing everything from our skin, hair, lips and nails, to almost every inch of our body—and it’s impossible to keep up. So many succumb to society’s pressure to conform, and they go to great lengths to surgically alter their bodies, inject foreign objects in them, starve themselves or follow strict diets or exercise programs—all in an effort to look more beautiful and desirable.

Islam encourages outward beauty, cleanliness and beautiful dress. We adorn our bodies with nice clothes and maintain good hygiene because this is what God loves. We also do our best to eat healthy and stay fit because our bodies are an amanah (trust) from God, and because better health gives us more energy to serve God and society better. These are all admirable efforts, when done moderately. What I am addressing here is how we view the natural physical form of our bodies; what we were born with or what developed over time because of genetic influences.

It is important to remember that God is our Maker—He made you the way you are—your unique colour, shape, hair and facial features. In His eyes, you are beautiful—no matter what society says. He says,

Surely, we have created the human being in the finest stature.” Qur’an | 95:4

He fashioned you in your mother’s womb, brought you into this world knowing nothing, and then beautified your heart and mind with faith, wisdom and intelligence. Even before you were born, He honoured you; He created your father, Adam, with His Own Blessed Two Hands, breathed His spirit into him, and made the Angels prostrate to him out of respect.

Throughout your life, He showers you with beautiful gifts; He provides you with experiences that inspire you, teach you, and make you feel joy, connectedness and love towards Him and others. He gives you a lifetime to invest in the beauty of the Eternal life with gorgeous homes, companions, flowing rivers, and blessings that you cannot even imagine. Now, who could dare touch your feelings of self-worth after that?

Underneath the superficial layers of different physical features, skin colours and types of dress, all of us have hearts and souls that long and plead for the same deep connection with their Creator. As Ibn Al-Qayyim (may God have mercy on him) says,

“Truly, in the heart there is a void that cannot be removed except with the company of God; and in it there is a sadness that cannot be removed except with the happiness of knowing God and being true to Him; and in it there is an emptiness that cannot be filled except with love for Him and turning to Him and always remembering Him; and if a person were given the entire world and what is in it, it would never fill that emptiness.”

So no matter how much we alter and reshape our physical form, it will not fill the void in our hearts that is reserved for God. When we follow our desires and the ever-changing whims of creation, we chain our souls down to the lowly, fleeting life—and away from God. But when we connect our hearts and minds to the Eternally Permanent One, Al-Baqi, our souls are freer to draw closer to Him. Reflect for a moment on this hadith (narration) of Prophet Muhammad ﷺ (peace be upon him):

“Prayer is light; charity is a proof, patience is illumination; and the Qur’an is an argument for or against you. Everyone starts his/her day and is a vendor of his/her soul, either freeing it or bringing about its ruin.” [Muslim]

When our souls are liberated, we see Reality for what it really is; that physical beauty fades, and that the beauty and light of our faith, character and actions are what bring us true bliss and deeply satisfying relationships in this life, along with a more permanent relationship with God and eternal bliss and in the Hereafter. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ would supplicate,

“O Allah, as You have made my appearance beautiful, make my character beautiful,” (Allahumma anta hassanta khalqi fa hassin khuluqi)

Beautiful character is in sincere intentions, in our positive attitude, and in a graceful smile. It’s in showing abundant gratitude and forgiveness, in overlooking people’s faults, in giving generously of your love and time to support others, and in treating people with respect, mercy and gentleness. As Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said,

“Gentleness is not in something except that it adorns it, and it is not stripped from something except that it ruins it.” [Muslim]

So, rather than striving to perfect a body that will, one day, end up covered in dirt, how about we turn to what truly matters? Instead of facelifts and breast enhancements, perhaps we ought to focus more on uplifting our faith and morality; and instead of dwelling over fat layers and contemplating liposuction, we might want to work on suctioning the arrogance, pride and anger from our hearts; and instead of eyelid surgeries—yes, those exist—we would prosper more if we considered the virtues of lowering our gazes and turning our faces and hearts toward God’s light and guidance. These are the changes that yield the most beautiful, long-lasting effects in this life and the Next.

“So direct your face toward the religion, with pure faith. This is the natural disposition God instilled in mankind—there is no altering God’s creation. This is the upright religion, though most people do not realize it.” Qur’an | 30:30

We recently received a message from a Muzz user about body image and body shaming. If you would like to write for us, email us: [email protected]

Subject: Body Shaming and Online Dating
Salaam,
My experience: I hit it off great with this guy. He and I had a good thing going. We met in person, everything was great. Until he began ignoring me. After a race to talk to him, during the conversation it was deduced that it was my thin figure that was the ‘problem’. I even got the classic it’s not you, it’s me.
I felt awful about myself, like I wasn’t good enough. After a lot of tears and pep talks, I learned that this guy was right about one thing: it’s not me, it really is him. A huge lesson I learnt: whether you’re a guy or a girl, don’t ever let someone bring you down to the point where they are making you question your worth and value. Allah (swt) created all of us in different shapes and forms. Nobody is perfect.

It may sound cliche, but what matters on the inside goes a longer way than what is on the outside because as time goes on, we’re all going to change externally. It’s called life.

But just remember – Allah has created us in pairs. We will all find that right person insha’Allah. Sometimes it’s a struggle and feelings get hurt, but in the end when we find the right person, we will be grateful for past relationships not working out. And if you’re reading this and nobody has told you: you are beautiful whether you’re short, tall, thick, thin, dark, pale. And if someone thinks otherwise, then they are not for you!

Source of inspiration for this article: Virtual Mosque