Avoiding conflict won’t save your marriage – but this will
“If we argue, something must be wrong with our marriage.”
We’re conditioned to believe that conflict in marriage is a sign of failure, that a “good” relationship is one where we never fight. But let me tell you: conflict is not the problem. It’s how we handle it that matters.In fact, avoiding conflict can do far more damage to a relationship than having disagreements. Here’s why—and how you can transform your approach to conflict in marriage.
Avoidance Feels Peaceful, But It’s Actually Dangerous.
When we avoid conflict, it might feel like we’re keeping the peace. We think we’re saving each other from hurt feelings or unnecessary stress. But here’s the truth: avoiding conflict is a form of avoidance itself. It might seem like you’re keeping things calm on the surface, but underneath, resentment builds.Think about it: when you don’t talk about an issue, it doesn’t disappear. It lingers. It quietly erodes the emotional connection in your marriage.
Signs that conflict is being avoided in your relationship include:• You feel like you can’t talk about certain issues without arguing.• You avoid deep conversations to keep things “easy.”• You find yourself quietly angry or upset, but not expressing it.• When a problem arises, you withdraw emotionally instead of discussing it.All of this can lead to feeling disconnected—even if there’s no outward fighting. And that’s where the real problem lies.
Conflict Isn’t the Problem—It’s How We Approach ItThe real issue is how we handle conflict. Disagreements are natural; they don’t have to mean the end of the world. In fact, when approached the right way, conflict can actually strengthen your marriage.The Prophet ﷺ demonstrated the best way to approach conflict: with ihsan (excellence), mercy, and patience. He didn’t avoid difficult moments in his marriage. He handled them with kindness, wisdom, and a deep understanding of the other person’s feelings.Here’s what the Prophet ﷺ taught us:“The best of you are those who are best to their wives.” (Tirmidhi)This hadith highlights how we should approach our spouses, especially when things get difficult. The best of us are those who approach conflict not with anger, but with care.
Healthy Conflict: What Does It Look Like?Healthy conflict is about expressing your needs and feelings without attacking your spouse. It’s about seeing the disagreement as an opportunity to better understand each other and to grow together.
Here’s what healthy conflict looks like:• Naming your needs: Be honest about how you feel, but do so with respect and gentleness.• Taking breaks when needed: Sometimes, stepping away for a moment to cool down can prevent things from escalating.• Listening without defensiveness: Truly hear your spouse’s side of the story, even if you disagree.• Choosing repair over being right: It’s not about winning the argument—it’s about reconnecting.
Steps to Repair After a FightNo one likes fighting, but it’s part of every relationship. The most important part, though, is how you repair the relationship afterward. Here are three steps to help you repair after a conflict:1. Regulate: Take a few minutes to calm your body and mind. Avoid reacting impulsively.2. Reflect: Ask yourself, “What was really going on for me during that fight?” Understanding your own feelings and needs helps you communicate them better.3. Reconnect: After cooling off, approach your spouse with gentleness and a desire to repair. You don’t need to have all the answers, but acknowledging the need for connection can go a long way.
A Final Reminder: You’re Not Failing—You’re GrowingIf you and your spouse argue, it doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed. In fact, it’s a sign that you’re growing. The Prophet ﷺ showed us that disagreements are an opportunity to build empathy, trust, and a deeper connection. By addressing conflict with ihsan and compassion, you create a bond that is resilient, loving, and rooted in mutual respect.Healthy marriages aren’t those without conflict—they’re those that have learned how to navigate it with care. You don’t need perfection, you need presence.
Let’s TalkDo you tend to avoid conflict, or is it something you’re still learning to navigate in your marriage? Share your thoughts in the comments below—let’s support each other in building stronger, more compassionate relationships.
Article written by Ayesha Aslam, Director and Founder of Sakoon Counselling.
Sakoon Counselling is a UK-based service dedicated to providing faith and culturally-sensitive therapy. Sakoon is one of the leading providers of counselling for the Muslim community in the UK with clients across the globe,Ayesha is a passionate advocate for breaking mental health stigmas in the Muslim community and continues to lead efforts in integrating faith and therapy. Recently, she has released the first full fledged Muslim mental health app, Muslim Mood Fit.
This Mental Health Awareness Week, take a moment to look after yourself. If you wish to start your therapy journey, book an appointment with Sakoon for a range of services to fit your needs.
