The View From The Other Side For Once. Muslim Men’s Experiences Of Finding The ONE Online.

Normally I wouldn’t par-take in the self indulgence of claiming to know what’s wrong with everyone by enforcing my irrelevant opinion of entire people based on my experience with a relatively low number considering the number of people who are out there looking. However, it seems men are always being portrayed as the ones for the reason behind “women” not being able to get married.

Neither am I going to indulge in some clichéd biographical explanation about how I have found myself or learned about myself in this process. At 35 years old, I’d like to think I know myself pretty well. For the sake of balance and sticking up for guys who are genuine, I shall lend my opinion.

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Admittedly, I thought it would be easy myself, “how hard can it be to get married” well, after almost a year, very hard – and that’s just by looking at some of the profiles. I don’t even need to go so far as meeting/talking to someone to find flaws in the process.

“This is the way I understand it: You read a basic profile of someone, they read yours. You exchange pictures. If there’s mutual interest, you have a conversation to introduce yourself. This may involve even exchanging numbers. At some point, you arrange a meeting with the parents. If there is an agreement between both parties, that is when you have the permission to meet each other more regularly to get to know each other – whether that leads to marriage or not.” I have taken this quote from a previous blog so I hope the writer doesn’t mind, but as it was this post that “pushed” me to write an Encore

“You read a basic profile of someone, they read yours. You exchange pictures” Let’s start here shall we. So the basic profile, how basic is a basic profile?

The I’ve just joined at 2AM – They start with the “just joined so will fill in later” what exactly does that mean, when you apply for a credit card, do you just fill in half your details, you go to a job interview what to do you, walk out half way? Why don’t you just join at a time when you can fill out your details and write a profile? All that says to us guys is you aren’t serious, and no serious guy will entertain such profiles. Oh yes, the players may have a shot, but what do you expect.

I have no personality or life – You know the ones, “I really don’t know what to write about myself” so what you are saying is that you have done nothing in your life, have no interests and have no personality. In which case, you probably don’t have anything to write. Or, you have “don’t want to plaster my life over an app” well you going to have to write something, how else will we know if we are going to be interested, or anything that peaks our interest. As a tip though, for those who do struggle, how about writing about your interests, a few personality traits, what you like as a person, likes/dislikes.

Message me’s – well firstly, they clearly struggle with apps and technology because what they haven’t fathomed is that they need to match with someone before you can message each other.

Blind daters/Window Shoppers – A funny species, they state looks aren’t important, yet have their profiles blurred. So basically if they like the look if you they’ll get in touch. I struggle to fathom why you would have you pic hidden and I have heard all of the excuses. My cousins are on here, I don’t want my friends seeing, and “I’m all about personality.” Can we all just stop trying to be idealists and state yes looks do matter; everyone wants someone who they are attracted to. Why it is such a taboo I will never know. The window shoppers will have their pics on show but fill in their profile by writing “blah blah blah blah” to or “is this 200 words yet” because they are only interested in looks.

Don’t do ugly –As bad as the Cilla Blacks, probably worse as they are arrogant enough to advertise their shallowness by stating they are after someone “good looking.” So, can anyone definitely generally define good looking to suit the masses? Everyone wants someone good looking but everyone’s idea of “good looking” is individual to them, to actually state it all you are doing is showing your shallowness.

The busy bee’s – They either state on their profiles I am extremely busy so don’t come on much or when you talk to them they reply 3 days later saying sorry “have been busy.” Well, I don’t think I go a few hours without looking at my PHONE, or speaking to mates on my PHONE so kudos to those who do. I emphasise PHONE because this app is phone based ? If you are too busy to talk to anyone with regards to finding yourself a husband, then perhaps you should wait until either you are less busy or are willing to make the effort required and expected.

My religion is between me and Allah – the ones that switch as soon as you ask them a religious question or about their inclination towards the deen. Now, if getting married is half your deen, and marriage completes your deen, then I think it’s quite fundamental to ask about ones religiousness irrespective of how religious anyone is. I, for example state on my profile I attend and believe in the Mawlid, that’s not to cause debate or argumentation. It’s because I am after someone who is of the same standing as me for the reason stated above. Yet the amount of women who seem to ignore that point, of match choosing to ignore it is ridiculous. Then all that shows me is you didn’t read my profile and I am put off instantly.

Ssssssshhhhhh – My parents don’t know I’m looking. First of all, why don’t they know? Or is it a case you shouldn’t be looking for yourself? And if things do progress, how will you say you met. I assume you will have to lie? Not the best way to start the next stage of your life.

I could go on and on, but the point of this post is to provide some balance to the continuous guy bashing and to provide women with a reflection of where they go wrong before even speaking to someone so they can fix up their profiles. If you don’t portray yourselves at seriously making an effort, you aren’t going to attract serious people. Though, maybe that’s what you’re after. There are after all two people involved, I think some women expect the guy to make all the effort, what are you going to do? You want to get married or be waited on? It’s a two way process, the least you can do is meet us half way.

The process, there is no set process; everyone has their own way of doing stuff. Someone people want to be comfortable with the person before they take them home to their respective parents, others want the families, uncles aunties and grandparents involved before they have even met the person they are speaking to. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of balance. I remember listening to a talk by sheikh Muhammed Al-Yaqoubi called “Muslims, making marriage easier”, maybe of interest to some.

Have I just generalised? You bet, isn’t that what all these posts are for because not everyone is the same.

That said, I do believe Muzz to be the best of the apps by far. Yes they have a few issues, like being a little quicker when you report a profile, which in my case will be for “blah..blah..will fill in later..” though that will come as they grown inshallah. I believe they genuinely understand the responsibility they have taken on and are doing so sincerely. However, they will always be reliant on the quality of their user’s so it’s up to us to share that burden.

I’ll end with this, on the note of talking to multiple people at the same time, Collet Khouri said it best

"I want someone who loves me while they know that there are many that are prettier and smarter than me, someone who loves me because their soul and mine blended and because my ideas matched theirs….. I don’t not want someone loves me because after comparing me with others they found that I am better than others”

I pray everyone finds the best partner for them inshallah.

This wasn’t a calculated choreographed piece written for a tabloid. It was just an off the cuff response to the tiresome barrage of flack guys have to take, so if there are some grammatical issues, I am extremely busy so didn’t have time to go through it all ?

By a keen Muzzer