Dear Muzz: Muslims Delaying The Nikkah!
August 8, 2022
It's finally here! The agony aunt you never knew you needed 😉
The two aunties answering your questions today have an acclaimed wealth of knowledge on dating and Muzz, as they have both been on the app. Found Love On Muzz has, you guessed it, actually found love on Muzz. While Kissed A Few Frogs has acquired a great amount of insight into red flags and relationship Dos and Don'ts from her own experiences of dealing with all the f***boys.
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Disclaimer: Their responses are just their opinions, so follow it at your own risk!
I’ve been on Muzz for a good two years and really need a third person's sincere advice.
Oct 2018 I met someone on this app from my own city. After chatting for sometime on the app, we shared phone numbers, and met at a local restaurant. We instantly clicked!
We belonged to the same city from back home, same age group (40/45), same tastes in music and culture. It was just like a perfect match. He very conveniently met my kids and showed great interest in frequently visiting my house and making friends with my three kids (2 are teens). He took me to meet his brother's family and wanted us to get nikahfied soon. I wanted to give it time and showed interest in meeting his only son, to which he would often delay saying he is visiting his mom (his ex-wife).
Time passed and we started to grow very close to each other. After a good six months I asked if he’d like to meet my mom now or maybe let’s arrange for kids to meet. He kept delaying it to the point where I started to get annoyed and tried putting more pressure on him. That brought us to an argument and we went silent in our relationship for two months.
We both fell sick, never informed each other how bad and frustrating it felt. The problem is whenever I call or text message, he replies, but won’t do it himself. Also he is still not willing to meet my mother, and keeps saying when the right time comes he will meet. In the meantime I met his son who was very polite and respectful to me which I really admired, and that came as a red flag too as he kept delaying our moving ahead on to his son not ready to live in a big family, his son still in college so he wants to give him time to settle then we will do something for our future, but till then he is just taken a backseat.
We are two mature adults and we meet, hang out and share great time together, but just like two friends, in fact he is more responsible in looking after me and keeps bringing gifts for myself and kids, for which they adore him and would want us to settle down together.. but this dude keeps delaying . He even said to me one day that you’re too good for anyone and if you have to get married now, and if you like someone then go ahead with him and not wait for him!
Plz help me what I do now?? How can men expect from women to keep shopping around when we have given our heart and soul to one person! I don’t know if I should leave him, keep him as a friend, or what?
Looking forward to hear back from your experts team
Kissed A Few Frogs Replied:
As I read your story I think it’s clear that there’s an issue with communication between you and your partner. You both seem scared or unwilling to openly discuss how you’re feeling about the relationship; the silence between you too when you both fell sick is an example of that. I understand that him delaying the future you want is frustrating, but not talking for two months definitely won’t solve anything. This is only the start of your relationship, if you two were to get married, move in together, then the silent treatment just won’t be a healthy way to live.
It sounds like when you are together that you have a great, fun relationship and that you’re fairly compatible for each other. Perhaps he’s just scared of getting married again so soon. Or perhaps he really does just want to wait for his son to be settled before moving on with his own life. Also, it may just be a case of timing - he seemed very eager to get married in the beginning when he took you to meet his brother but you wanted to wait a bit. With the situation now reversed maybe he just needs a bit more time as well.
Regardless of the reason, I think you need to ask him and talk it all through. Because we can sit and wonder forever, but at the end of the day we can’t be mind readers. Communication is key to any healthy relationship! I say this having been in one where communication was non existent and we ended up just repressing all our feelings until it just exploded one day and we broke up. I really don't want that for you. So start small and ask him to have a chat.
I hope this has helped! We’re definitely no experts, but just think of us as helpful friends who won’t ever judge and have your best interests at heart. Good luck x
Found Love On Muzz Replied:
Thank you so much for your email! Just to clarify, we’re not experts in the relationship field, we're just 2 people with pure intentions trying to help others with their love lives. Although we do advise you, at the end of the day, only you know what’s best for yourself.
Ok so, this honestly sounds like a very difficult situation. It sounds like you guys really do get on well and have a great relationship, but then we have to question, why does he keep delaying the nikkah?
I think you need to have a serious and sincere conversation with him. Ask him if he does want to marry you or not, and tell him to be genuinely honest about it. To me, from reading what you wrote, it sounds like he may be scared to marry or get into a serious relationship again. Maybe he needs some time to figure things out. But the question is, are you willing to wait? I think the best thing you can do is find out where you stand with him. The fact that he told you to marry someone else if you want to marry now is a bit worrying, and does make it sound like he’s not ready for marriage.
Your situation is difficult because I know how hard it is to be just friends with someone that you’re in love with. Especially as you’ll always be secretly hoping that they’ll change their mind and be with you. If he says he doesn’t want to marry but still wants to be friends, would you be able to limit your relationship to a friendship only?
I wish I could help you more and tell you what to do, but only you can answer these questions and navigate your relationship. The best thing to do is to definitely communicate with him and talk about all of this.
Best of luck with everything x
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